After an Affair

After an Affair


Have you been cheated on? Or have you been unfaithful to someone? In either case, you may know by now that both are very painful to go through. Obviously, being cheated on is extremely hurtful and damaging to a person and a relationship.

On the other hand, it can be difficult to be the offending party. You may not think the offender has been harmed or deserves any accommodation or understanding. However, there are several reasons:

  • The offender usually feels great remorse and regret for an action that can’t be undone. This is a long and difficult emotional process to go through.
  • The hurt person is typically asking their partner the same questions over and over, to try to get some relief or understand what has happened. The offender often cannot answer these rhetorical questions (“why?”) but is often trying their best to atone for their actions. The offender usually expresses great frustration that they are unable to give their partner some comfort, even long afterwards.
  • The hurt party runs the risk of alienating the offender by unpredictable and excessive mood fluctuations. Both know the extreme pain that has occurred but the hurt person cannot usually come to terms with the pain even long after the incident. So, the offender never gets relief and often becomes impatient and worn out from the barrage of emotions.
  • The marriage is never the same again. This is a difficult realization and adjustment for the offender and the hurt party to adjust to. Sometimes the marriage does not even survive if too much damage has been done.
  • The offender often moves out of the home and as a result may see their children much less. Children often do not understand what has occurred and are upset. The offender may be unable to be truthful with them. The family may be in crisis in this situation.
  • Friends of the couple often side with the hurt person and this is a huge loss for the offender. Sometimes they never come back.

Whether you are the hurt person or the offender, Becker Counseling is here to help guide you through the process of regaining trust and commitment.